I met a lady recently who is single and is afraid of marriage. It’s not that she has no potential, in fact, she has plenty. She’s attractive, with a high-flying career in the education sector, lots of free time for her hobbies and passions and she volunteers a lot too. On paper, she seems like someone who would have no trouble settling down.
But she has been engaged twice and both didn’t work out.
From her story, both men turned out to be incompatible. The first fiance cheated on her. They had already secured a house, planned their future together and she was so sure about him. Then, two months before the wedding, she received a text from a stranger-woman exposing the affair with proof. When she confronted him, he admitted it, apologised and insisted it was just “a mistake,” saying he only loved her and still wanted to marry her. But cheating was a huge red flag. She called off the wedding, losing a lot of money in the process.
It took her years to recover. She went through therapy to heal from the heartbreak and betrayal. During those years, she stayed single, turning down proposals because she wasn’t ready. Eventually, when she felt ready again, she got engaged to someone else.
Her second fiance was the opposite of the first; safe, affectionate and consistent. But instead of feeling secure, she grew anxious and fearful. His constant love and attention made her suspicious. “How can someone love me this much? Is he lying? Is this a trap? Will he cheat too?” She began to feel suffocated. Overthinking took over and she started pushing him away, calling him a liar, avoiding him and doubting his sincerity.
This time, she saw a therapist again, who helped her uncover that her trauma from the first broken engagement was resurfacing and poisoning her second. Even after working through it, she decided to call off the second engagement.
Now, she says she feels happy and at peace being single. She believes marriage would only jeopardise that peace because closeness and intimacy with a partner or a spouse might trigger her anxiety.
Her second breakup brought her grief too, even though she was the one who initiated it. I happened to know her second fiance, the one who, in her words, “loved her too much.”
He was devastated to the point of confessing to me that he once thought of ending his life. I never mentioned this to her. She was already heartbroken in her own way and sometimes when grief consumes you, it’s hard to see the brokenness of the other person. I could only feel pity for both of them. But they are adults and I’m not a therapist, so all I could do was listen.
At one point, this lady asked me whether she should give up entirely on the idea of marriage and remain single forever. I told her honestly that I couldn’t make that decision for her. If she still feels weighed down by trauma or the fear of intimacy, then perhaps continuing with therapy could help. She admitted that therapy does help her regulate her emotions, but it doesn’t always give her clarity.
She shared with me that what truly scares her is being hurt again. She doesn’t feel capable of managing hurt. Her first breakup took her years to heal. The second one, she said, felt slightly more bearable.
I didn’t tell her what I was thinking… that perhaps the first was more painful because she was the one betrayed by her fiance, while in the second, she was the one walking away, which might have made it easier. I didn’t want to offer an interpretation that could lead her to overthink further.
As for her second ex-fiance, I suspect his healing will take a long time. From his side of the story, it must feel like betrayal too, when all he did was love and it wasn’t enough.
I told her that, “You can’t build a relationship without being open to getting hurt. Even the strongest bonds go through trials. Lasting relationships, in any form, require patience, resilience and forgiveness again and again.” Of course, this does not apply to abusive relationships and defining abuse is another story with many nuances.
I continued, “Once you enter a relationship, you have to accept that your partner isn’t perfect and neither are you. The reality is that hurting each other in small ways is normal so long as it doesn’t cross into abuse and so long as both are willing to seek help, have self-awareness and not let ego drive the relationship.
At some point, your partner will disappoint you, hurt you or fall short. The real question is, are you willing to stay committed through the ups and downs, sometimes even through the dramas?”
At the end of the day, we need self-awareness to recognise that love and maintaining a relationship (especially when the feeling of love fades) is never painless and never easy. But with spiritual awareness, pain itself can be transformed. It can become an opportunity for humility, for reward, for growth, for elevation of faith and for drawing closer to Allah.
I looked at her thoughtful expression. She was processing what I had just said. Then I added, “There will always be drama in life , whether you’re single or married. That’s just how fleeting life is… a mix of joy and sadness, happiness and heartbreak, chaos and peace. It is what it is. The real question is, do you want to go through life’s challenges with the companionship of marriage, or on your own but not necessarily alone, because we all have people around us? And above all, we place our hope that Allah brings the right people our way.”
After a long pause, she gave a small nod and said, “Nah… I think I’m good where I am. I feel I can manage challenges better as a single than the challenges that come with being close to a spouse. I’m happy where I am now. Is that a problem?”
I smiled and told her, “Not at all. It’s not a problem. You know yourself better than anyone else. You know what you want and what you need. You’re an independent adult and you’ve already worked on your resilience in facing heartbreak. Maybe now, the resilience you need is in learning not to let it bother you when people keep pushing the idea of marriage down your throat.
And oh, there’s One who knows you even better than you know yourself. Your Creator. Allah… So keep Him near and may He guide you always to what is best, not just what our whims and desires tell us.”
I ended with a simple, “I wish you all the best.”
A new whatsapp message popped up on my screen. I read the words, “Ustazah, my heart is shattered. I don’t know how much longer I can carry this. How can people be so cruel! To walk away, to discard you like nothing, when what we shared was something so deep?”
NAME : Nadia H.
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