Sayang…
Ketika akhirnya doaku dikabulkan, aku melihatmu dari kejauhan, berjalan dari arah gerbang surga. Badanmu masih terhuyung karena lelahnya menempuh perjalanan yang berat. Kamu masih mengusap-ngusap matamu, seakan tidak percaya dengan gerbang surga yang kamu lihat di depan. Terlihat samar, tetapi juga nyata.

“Life is about who you live it with. If you meet the right companion, every destination will be bearable, even hell.”

I am sick.
This body breaks again and again,
not what it once was,
not what it should be.

Everyone in this world is unique. Sometimes they are different in the way they see the world.

And yet — despite all that difference — I think, deep down, people are pretty much the same in terms of what they are seeking. I don’t know if I can generalize it, and maybe I shouldn’t. But…

Besok tidak dijanjikan kepada semua
Besok juga tidak diinginkan semua
Tanyalah hari ini Mengapa?

Setiap orang di dunia ini adalah unik. Kadang-kadang mereka berbeza dalam cara mereka melihat dunia, dalam cara mereka bertindak, dalam cara mereka berinteraksi dengan orang lain, dalam cara mereka berkelakuan, dalam cara mereka merasakan sesuatu.

Namun begitu — walau berbeza seribu cara — aku rasa, jauh di dasar jiwa, manusia sebenarnya tidak jauh berbeza dalam apa yang mereka cari. Aku tidak tahu sama ada boleh aku umumkan begitu…

I met a lady recently who is single and is afraid of marriage. It’s not that she has no potential, in fact, she has plenty. She’s attractive, with a high-flying career in the education sector, lots of free time for her hobbies and passions.

But she has been engaged twice and both didn’t work out. It took her years to recover.

Kalau difikirkan balik tentang cerita dan kenangan lama yang tidak enak, memang rasa tak mahu diingat-ingat kembali.

Tetapi bila dah sampai pada usia sekarang, aku memilih untuk rasa bersyukur dengan setiap yang berlaku.

“I pitied those two abandoned puppies,” he said. “They still needed their mother. So, I stepped in. I went to the vet to ask what milk to buy for newborn puppies and I bottle-fed them. I built a small kennel at the shipyard and every day I fed them until they grew strong. They would wag their tails and run to me whenever they saw me. During my breaks, I would play with them. Of course, every time I handled them, I would ‘sertu’ myself and change my clothes before praying.”

Ada satu RASA
Datang tanpa diundang,
Ku sangka hanya singgah sebagai ujian,
Namun ia tidak pergi… hingga kini.

Kalian mungkin pernah berpapasan dengan hantaran seseorang yang pernah tular tentang kadar bayaran guru mengaji yang dikatakan terlalu mahal atas alasan, ‘ikhlas sahaja lah, mengaji je pun.’

Ibu aku, anak ke – 9 daripada 10 beradik. Mereka dibesarkan dalam keadaan serba kekurangan, sangat sulit. Sejak kecil, ibu tak pernah merasai kasih sayang daripada seorang bapa. Ayahnya dahulu pekerja kayu balak, bekerja siang malam pagi petang, balik ke rumah jarang-jarang. Tahu-tahu, sudah berkahwin baru. Bukan dua, tetapi bininya ada tiga.

I drifted. Worked and quit, worked and quit. Merantau sana sini. Pahang, Singapore, KL. My life was empty. Just filling the void with enjoyment, clubbing and social life.

Then I met him. My husband. We were both lost souls in the same world.

Seharian aku menantikan balasan darinya. Aku sudah menghantar whatsapp sejak pagi, namun menjelang waktu pulang kerja, masih tiada jawapan. Aku cuba sekali lagi,

“Awak okay ke? Saya risau pula. Hari ini ada appointment, takut awak terlupa.”

Aku nampak dia sedang menaip, kemudian memadam. Mengetik lagi, padam lagi. Sangat membuatkan aku resah. Akhirnya mesejnya masuk.

“Maaf awak, saya dah ubah appointment ke klinik lain. Bermula dari sekarang, semua appointment saya akan dipindahkan kepada GP lain. Awak bukan doktor saya lagi.”

The problem was, no one else around me cared. Who was I supposed to share this fascination with? My nine-year-old friends were more interested in fashion trends or boybands. So I kept my excitement bottled up, quietly convincing myself that one day I would find my people.

My world is spinning. I can’t decide whether I am suffocating or about to vomit. Lady S… The elusive “other woman” isn’t just anyone. She is my supervisor.

How long has this been going on? Six months? That’s how long my husband has been unusually cheerful, suddenly attentive, after years of being cold. Six months of strange happiness must mean six months of her. But when did they actually meet?

“Woman”, is a suffocating word in her dictionary
Always approach them in weary
Another phase, another elegiac memory
She opened her baggage, though it was so teary.
Trying to build a “might be” good story.

Tempat ini tidak pernah gagal mengembalikan semula diri saya. Suara merdu sang Muazzin yang bersatu dengan kicauan burung menimbulkan seribu satu rasa yang hanya saya ketahui. Nafas dihela perlahan. Saya masih memandang ke arah pelabuhan di hadapan. Doa selesai azan dilafaz. Beg di sisi dicapai dan disandang ke bahu, bersedia untuk beredar. “You okay?” Satu suara menerjah gegendang telinga.

Nak jadikan cerita… sepanjang dua tahun aku bertukar-tukar kenalan dalam aplikasi ni, aku tak pernah dapat orang pelik-pelik. Semuanya memang niat tulus suci murni nak bertukar kenalan dari negara lain. Sehinggalah.. pada suatu hari, aku dapat notifikasi kenalan dari Singapura. Kenalan aku ni lelaki, dan dia tak nyatakan umur.

Time moved differently there, slower in a way that made the world outside seem frantic, distant, unanchored. I could spend hours staring at the sunlight curling through curtains that never fully closed, imagining shapes in the dust like clouds passing over my mind. Conversations lingered in the hallways, swallowed by walls but not gone, their residue forming a faint hum under my skin.

Dan aku cuma sepasang kasut.
Lalu ruang hati anak itu aku faham,
Dirinya sayang, bukan kerana aku cantik tetapi kerana abahnya kasi.

Berbulan disarung, tapak juga semakin haus. Tetapi masih disarung di kaki walaupun kadangkala tumit kakinya terpijak tanah, kayu-kayu, juga kaca bila melangkah. Masih sayang, masih disarung dikaki.

Personal issues between my business partners spilled into the company. What began as internal conflict ended with one partner resigning and leaving behind significant debts for me to shoulder. Overnight, I found myself carrying not only the weight of a struggling company but also the responsibility of protecting my own financial stability.

Afterwards, Aziz couldn’t hold it in. “Omg, Bidin, I cannot believe you didn’t respond to her. She’s so attractive! I mean, I am married, but if I wasn’t, I would want to get to know her instantly. I really don’t know you, man.”

Because if I were honest and bruuutally honest, there were moments I wanted to shout at them. “Oi Stupid! Are you listening to yourself? Your husband is abusing you. That’s not love. That’s a textbook narcissist trait. And you’re still clinging to him, telling me you love him, wanting to make the marriage work?”

Di sini lah permainan jin dan syaitan bermula. Aku yang takut dan lemah semangat pergi tidur di bilik kawan rapatku dan meninggalkan rakan sebilik ku yang tidur dengan lena di dalam bilik yang aku duduki. Kemuncaknya, aku seolah-olah hilang akal sehingga pada satu ketika aku jadi berani dan tidak langsung takut untuk bercakap di hadapan memarahi rakan rakan ku yang bising di dalam perpustakaan. 

Setiap hari, saat dan masa dia sentiasa terbayang-bayang akan wajah dan keayuan guru perempuan itu. Pelajaran nya entah ke mana, seminggu sebelum menjelang peperiksaan, dia masih terbayang-bayang akan guru perempuan tersebut memeluk tubuhnya erat.